can i take back the "fearless in 2017" challenge yet? because each month gets crazier and crazier. i first heard about ekisa almost 6 years ago. i applied to go for the first time 5 years ago this month (weird detail, thanks time hop). i applied 4 times over the last 5 years and every time it was so very clear that the door was not open and i wouldn't be going. so imagine my surprise this year when i apply again on a whim when i see 99 balloons is going in january, because you guys january is like the best time for me to be out of work, it's after the holidays, it's not vacation time for me, so many selfish reasons i applied, and wouldn't you know that god seems to be opening the door. so i applied back in july to go to africa in january with 99 balloons (a local nonprofit). i thought i would find out if i was going by the end of july, but july came and went and there was no news. so i convinced myself it wasn't my time to go because that is easier than keeping my hopes up and being let down again. but then august came, and day after day i waited and watched my email. i made myself sick waiting. i talked myself into going, and talked myself out of going. i came up with 100 reasons why i shouldn't go, and then 101 why i should. i checked my email like i was an addict. i waited for the phone to ring with an unknown number. i didn't sleep well. i worried. i prayed. i reached out to friends to pray. i worried some more. and at the end of august, the 29th to be exact, i finally heard. they want me to be a part of the team (if they go- they don't have enough people to commit as of yet). so if they go, they want me to be their SpEd person. they want me to go to africa. and now i know, and i just want to throw up. fear creeps in every time i take a breath. there are now a thousand reasons why i shouldn't go and only ten that i should. what am i doing, lord? why do you want me to go to africa now? why in the freaking heck are you opening this door now? but even though I'm terrified, i'm pretty confident i'm going. like if i were a betting woman i would bet money that i'll be going to africa in january. god is going to get more people to commit, he is going to help me raise the funds, he is going to open the door. a 6 year dream in the making and i can feel it coming true.
but you know what else? i'm still terrified. i don't want to go. i have so much frickin fear. about everything. every detail. and i don't even know the details. right now god is opening the door and telling me to trust him and be fearless and make the deposit with money i don't even have in my account and say yes to going to africa. he's telling me to say yes when i don't know any details or really even know what i'll be doing there or what my role will look like and he's telling me to say yes even though I'm so scared of flying (not actually being in the air, all the things that lead up to it, like getting to the right terminal and fighting to find a spot for my carry on and losing luggage and missing flights and having anxiety poops on the plane and basically everything except for the actual being in the air flying part) and he's opening the door and pushing me through it and I'm fighting every step of the way and have made myself literally throwing up sick because I'm so anxious about all the details i don't even know and my brain just feels so scrambled. but he's telling me to say yes and he's opening the door and showing me so clearly again and again and again that it's time to trust him and i'm so (insert any emotion here) that i can't move forward at all, its like i'm stuck, just stuck and can't put one foot in front of the other.
but you guys. i think i'm going to africa. help me. pray for me. support me. send anxiety meds. (only kind of kidding on the last one...)
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Monday, July 31, 2017
birth and birthdays
july. you always bring joy and pain. celebration and grief. beauty and ashes. you are broken yet so beautiful. july brought heartache and happiness, joy overflowing and fear so palpable it was like the elephant sitting on my chest.
turning 30 this year seemed like such a big milestone. i know it's just another day and just another number, but it seems like so much more. as a kid, 30 seems so old. i just knew that by the time i turned 30 i would have a family of my own. i would have a husband and a whole gang of my own little loves running around. i would be planted in the perfect little starter house. i would be a wife, a mother, an educator, a world traveler. and today, i am only one of those. and that's okay. i'm learning that god has me exactly where i should be. i don't have a husband because it's not my time for that. i don't have children of my own because it's not my time for that. i don't have a house of my own because it's not my time for that. if I've learned one thing in my 30 years, its that God always provides what I need on his time, not my own. So here I am, entering my 30's in a huge, not-so-surprising, continued season of waiting.
so my 30th came and went. it was full of love and surprises and although i thought i would be sad to be turning 30, it was really just another gift. my best friend hosted the best birthday weekend, complete with surprise visitors, some of my favorite snacks, and a seafood feast that i will dream about for years to come. my heart was happy and my belly was full. and i am thankful, so very thankful, for every minute that was put into the prep and roll out of such a weekend full of love.
the week leading up to my birthday is always tough. it's strange to think of the day a traumatic event occured as an anniversary, but i don't know what else to call it. every year july 7th rolls around and is a seemingly normal day for everyone else. but when i wake up, i can't breathe. i spent all day trying to get my mind on something else, unsuccessfully. i plan a day full of things only to cancel because the anxiety is so real and so fierce that most of the time just getting out of bed to take a shower is all i can do. 12 years since i was raped, and sometimes the fear and shame and guilt and anxiety is so real it's like its happening all over again. so i spent the day doing nothing, because i couldn't do anything else. i sometimes wonder if someone acknowledged the fact that it's july 7th would make a difference. but then how do you say to someone "hey, would you tell me you love me on July 7th because its always a tough day" without opening a huge can of worms? it seems so easy to say when I type it out, but every year it rolls around and no one says a thing and i can't reach out to anyone to tell them I'm struggling because the fear is too crippling and the shame is too real. so this year, like the last 11, i woke up crying, feeling like i couldn't breathe, and crawled out of bed. i took a shower so hot my skin was raw and red. and i did nothing else. but you know what? that's okay. because i survived another day. i got out of bed. and i survived.
so by the time birthday week and day rolled around, being surrounded by friends and family, watching them pour over homemade treats and decorations and surprises, it felt so good. like on a level that i can hardly put into words because when i try i am just brought to tears. how could people love me so much? i am selfish and a complainer and defeated and spend so much of my time canceling plans, how could people love me anyway? what a beautiful picture of the gospel that week/weekend was for me. my people came together and loved me like jesus loves me. and when i ruined my party shirt they drove across town to buy the exact same one so i would stop crying. and they let me have all the left overs for the next 3 days and didn't complain that they didn't get any. and they served me and loved me and encouraged me. they loved me liked jesus loves me. and i can never say enough thank you's for that.
july, you also brought a gift that i will never forget. little rex arthur. it's not my birth story to tell, but i am honored and in awe. i am honored to have been there when you took your first breath, when we learned you were a boy, when you came into the world with a fighting spirit. i am in awe of how strong you are, how incredible your mom is, and how wonderful our sweet savior is. i can't quite articulate my experience that night as a member of your moms birth team. all i know is you are a gift, your mom is incredibly brave and strong, and the lord is so good. you are a good, good gift, and i praise him for you.
oh sweet july. thank you. thank you for both the beautiful and the broken. thank you for bringing new life this month. thank you for new days and new strength. thank you for bringing my people who love me fiercely and deeply to the same place to celebrate my life. and thank you lord for loving me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
turning 30 this year seemed like such a big milestone. i know it's just another day and just another number, but it seems like so much more. as a kid, 30 seems so old. i just knew that by the time i turned 30 i would have a family of my own. i would have a husband and a whole gang of my own little loves running around. i would be planted in the perfect little starter house. i would be a wife, a mother, an educator, a world traveler. and today, i am only one of those. and that's okay. i'm learning that god has me exactly where i should be. i don't have a husband because it's not my time for that. i don't have children of my own because it's not my time for that. i don't have a house of my own because it's not my time for that. if I've learned one thing in my 30 years, its that God always provides what I need on his time, not my own. So here I am, entering my 30's in a huge, not-so-surprising, continued season of waiting.
so my 30th came and went. it was full of love and surprises and although i thought i would be sad to be turning 30, it was really just another gift. my best friend hosted the best birthday weekend, complete with surprise visitors, some of my favorite snacks, and a seafood feast that i will dream about for years to come. my heart was happy and my belly was full. and i am thankful, so very thankful, for every minute that was put into the prep and roll out of such a weekend full of love.
the week leading up to my birthday is always tough. it's strange to think of the day a traumatic event occured as an anniversary, but i don't know what else to call it. every year july 7th rolls around and is a seemingly normal day for everyone else. but when i wake up, i can't breathe. i spent all day trying to get my mind on something else, unsuccessfully. i plan a day full of things only to cancel because the anxiety is so real and so fierce that most of the time just getting out of bed to take a shower is all i can do. 12 years since i was raped, and sometimes the fear and shame and guilt and anxiety is so real it's like its happening all over again. so i spent the day doing nothing, because i couldn't do anything else. i sometimes wonder if someone acknowledged the fact that it's july 7th would make a difference. but then how do you say to someone "hey, would you tell me you love me on July 7th because its always a tough day" without opening a huge can of worms? it seems so easy to say when I type it out, but every year it rolls around and no one says a thing and i can't reach out to anyone to tell them I'm struggling because the fear is too crippling and the shame is too real. so this year, like the last 11, i woke up crying, feeling like i couldn't breathe, and crawled out of bed. i took a shower so hot my skin was raw and red. and i did nothing else. but you know what? that's okay. because i survived another day. i got out of bed. and i survived.
so by the time birthday week and day rolled around, being surrounded by friends and family, watching them pour over homemade treats and decorations and surprises, it felt so good. like on a level that i can hardly put into words because when i try i am just brought to tears. how could people love me so much? i am selfish and a complainer and defeated and spend so much of my time canceling plans, how could people love me anyway? what a beautiful picture of the gospel that week/weekend was for me. my people came together and loved me like jesus loves me. and when i ruined my party shirt they drove across town to buy the exact same one so i would stop crying. and they let me have all the left overs for the next 3 days and didn't complain that they didn't get any. and they served me and loved me and encouraged me. they loved me liked jesus loves me. and i can never say enough thank you's for that.
july, you also brought a gift that i will never forget. little rex arthur. it's not my birth story to tell, but i am honored and in awe. i am honored to have been there when you took your first breath, when we learned you were a boy, when you came into the world with a fighting spirit. i am in awe of how strong you are, how incredible your mom is, and how wonderful our sweet savior is. i can't quite articulate my experience that night as a member of your moms birth team. all i know is you are a gift, your mom is incredibly brave and strong, and the lord is so good. you are a good, good gift, and i praise him for you.
oh sweet july. thank you. thank you for both the beautiful and the broken. thank you for bringing new life this month. thank you for new days and new strength. thank you for bringing my people who love me fiercely and deeply to the same place to celebrate my life. and thank you lord for loving me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Friday, June 30, 2017
jumping for joy in june
it's hard to think of witty titles for blog posts. i'm just not that creative. but ya know, june made it easy to jump for joy. when i moved back from south carolina in 2012, i had absolutely zero intention of staying in arkansas long term. arkansas is home because my family is here, but arkansas is not home in the sense of community and happiness. it was strange to move "home" to a place that felt nothing like home at all. i asked god week after week why he brought me back here. "lord what are you doing with my life? why would you take me from columbia, from a loving church family, a solid community of friends? why would you take me back to arkansas, a place that did nothing but hurt me, to relationships that burned me and left me broken? why would you do that? what are you doing in the background? please lord help me have peace, help me understand." so celebrating 5 years back in arkansas this month almost took my breath away. it is so hard to believe it has been 5 years. i feel like it was yesterday we were loading the u-haul and trucking back across the country.
i've gotten to see glimpses of why i think he brought me back here, and let me just say that he knows what he is doing. he took me out of contentment and comfort and put me in unknown and scary. and he did it on purpose. for a purpose. when i am content and comfortable, i don't need god. so when i got too comfortable, he said "alright time for a change, let's bring you back to me." and back to arkansas i came. 5 years is a long time to be somewhere that you didn't want to be in the first place. i have spent 5 years not really getting plugged in on purpose, because i didn't want to be here. when you build relationships and have community, it is a lot harder to leave. so instead, i just didn't. it's been a lonely 5 years because of it. but at the same time, i wouldn't change it a bit because i have needed god more in these 5 years than ever before. i have learned to listen for him in the daily tasks, to seek him in the hard times, to trust him in the details. i have cried out to him when my heart is breaking, and praised him when his faithfulness is revealed again and again.
he brought me to arkansas to be close to my family. i have been given the gift of being an aunt up close and personal. i have had the opportunity to pour into their lives and watch them grow and help them learn and have had so many adventures my heart could burst. i have chased sunsets, had way too many treats, and have had the best snuggles. he brought me to arkansas to support my parents through lots of changes and hard times. being in arkansas so i can be close to my family is the ultimate gift, and i'm so thankful he knew what he was doing when he brought me here.
he brought me back to arkansas and led me to sunshine school. i had no clue what i was doing when i applied for a job there. it was kind of a last ditch effort because i had such negative interviews with public schools. i spent so many days and nights just crying because i needed a job, but i didn't want to work in public school special education. the interviews i had were all great, i was offered several jobs, and i cried every time i got the phone call because i knew i would be miserable. so i applied for a lead teacher job at sunshine school. and when i showed up, they interviewed me for something completely different because i had a masters degree in special education. i met their qualifications and they took a chance on me. and LORD THANK YOU for that. i have met some of the greatest families through sunshine school. i have helped parents learn how to advocate for their child. i have made friends. i have built relationships. i have made a difference. i have watched kids take their first steps, use their first words, drink from a cup for the first time, make eye contact purposefully, i have celebrated the tiniest milestones because for us they are huge, and i have mourned the challenges and setbacks alongside families. i lost my mentor to a hard fought battle with cancer, and have been left grieving that and all the changes it brought with it. i have learned about gardening, what is a weed and what is a plant, how to cultivate life from a tiny seed, how to use my time gardening to worship and pray and tell beth how much i miss her. god knew exactly what he was doing when he closed the door to public schools and led me to sunshine school. 3.5 years ago when i started working there, i had no idea what i was doing. i had almost zero management experience, had never worked with families directly, and had never had a real full time job. but now, today, i wouldn't know what to do without sunshine school. i got a promotion in may, and it was just the boost i needed. its been a tough year, lots of changes, lots of challenges, and i was in the dumps. my leadership team recognized my abilities and asked me to step up and take on more. and i needed it. i panicked at first, because "what if i mess it all up, what if i can't do it, what am i getting myself into, this is too much, theres no way i can manage all of this"... but then god told me flat out that i would accept the promotion and i'd be okay.
so here we are now, being fearless and trusting him again. trusting him in another year in arkansas. trusting him to lead me in this new role. and trusting him to take away my fear and replace it with confidence and courage. i can do this.
i've gotten to see glimpses of why i think he brought me back here, and let me just say that he knows what he is doing. he took me out of contentment and comfort and put me in unknown and scary. and he did it on purpose. for a purpose. when i am content and comfortable, i don't need god. so when i got too comfortable, he said "alright time for a change, let's bring you back to me." and back to arkansas i came. 5 years is a long time to be somewhere that you didn't want to be in the first place. i have spent 5 years not really getting plugged in on purpose, because i didn't want to be here. when you build relationships and have community, it is a lot harder to leave. so instead, i just didn't. it's been a lonely 5 years because of it. but at the same time, i wouldn't change it a bit because i have needed god more in these 5 years than ever before. i have learned to listen for him in the daily tasks, to seek him in the hard times, to trust him in the details. i have cried out to him when my heart is breaking, and praised him when his faithfulness is revealed again and again.
he brought me to arkansas to be close to my family. i have been given the gift of being an aunt up close and personal. i have had the opportunity to pour into their lives and watch them grow and help them learn and have had so many adventures my heart could burst. i have chased sunsets, had way too many treats, and have had the best snuggles. he brought me to arkansas to support my parents through lots of changes and hard times. being in arkansas so i can be close to my family is the ultimate gift, and i'm so thankful he knew what he was doing when he brought me here.
he brought me back to arkansas and led me to sunshine school. i had no clue what i was doing when i applied for a job there. it was kind of a last ditch effort because i had such negative interviews with public schools. i spent so many days and nights just crying because i needed a job, but i didn't want to work in public school special education. the interviews i had were all great, i was offered several jobs, and i cried every time i got the phone call because i knew i would be miserable. so i applied for a lead teacher job at sunshine school. and when i showed up, they interviewed me for something completely different because i had a masters degree in special education. i met their qualifications and they took a chance on me. and LORD THANK YOU for that. i have met some of the greatest families through sunshine school. i have helped parents learn how to advocate for their child. i have made friends. i have built relationships. i have made a difference. i have watched kids take their first steps, use their first words, drink from a cup for the first time, make eye contact purposefully, i have celebrated the tiniest milestones because for us they are huge, and i have mourned the challenges and setbacks alongside families. i lost my mentor to a hard fought battle with cancer, and have been left grieving that and all the changes it brought with it. i have learned about gardening, what is a weed and what is a plant, how to cultivate life from a tiny seed, how to use my time gardening to worship and pray and tell beth how much i miss her. god knew exactly what he was doing when he closed the door to public schools and led me to sunshine school. 3.5 years ago when i started working there, i had no idea what i was doing. i had almost zero management experience, had never worked with families directly, and had never had a real full time job. but now, today, i wouldn't know what to do without sunshine school. i got a promotion in may, and it was just the boost i needed. its been a tough year, lots of changes, lots of challenges, and i was in the dumps. my leadership team recognized my abilities and asked me to step up and take on more. and i needed it. i panicked at first, because "what if i mess it all up, what if i can't do it, what am i getting myself into, this is too much, theres no way i can manage all of this"... but then god told me flat out that i would accept the promotion and i'd be okay.
so here we are now, being fearless and trusting him again. trusting him in another year in arkansas. trusting him to lead me in this new role. and trusting him to take away my fear and replace it with confidence and courage. i can do this.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
may and mental health
another awareness month that i love. may is national mental health/anxiety/depression month. sometimes i joke and say things like "hi I'm emily and i have anxiety" like i'm at a recovery meeting. but jokes aside, it's not a laughing matter at all. anxiety is crippling. i don't do so many things because i'm too worried about the traffic i'm going to have to fight to get there, the amount of people in the crowd i don't know and will have to touch to get by, the small talk i will have to have with people that i don't even know. i worry about every little detail from the beginning to the end, which makes the whole experience just suck. so instead, i just don't go at all. i stay safe in my little apartment haven. i hide from the world. i hide from strangers and unknowns and new situations. i make excuses and then cry because i missed out again. i get my feelings hurt when i stop getting invited, even though i probably only made one of the last 10 invitations i was given. can i really blame them for not trying when i always have an excuse?
anxiety is tough. it strikes at any moment. it hits me out of nowhere. it's unexplainable. i have learned how to manage and am getting better at recognizing the symptoms before they hit me full force. but most of the time i can't control it even when i see it coming. i still panic. my heart beats so fast i feel like i can't breathe. i cry so much, or am always on the verge of tears. i close my eyes and try to breathe deep. i pray, ask god to calm my anxious heart. and i breathe deep again, waiting for the storm to pass. if you don't suffer from anxiety or depression or mental health issues, it can seem like people who are suffering are just exaggerating, trying to get attention, overreacting.. but i promise you, we can't help it. if i could take a deep breathe and have it all go away in an instant, it would be a dream. sometimes, most of the time, its not that easy. a lot of times the fear wins and i am stuck in my brain without a way to calm myself. but sometimes, i close my eyes and take a breathe and i can move on. i can't control it. anxiety and depression are true disorders. there are a lot of days when i can't get out of bed. i wake up crying with a heaviness on my chest that is unexplainable, and i can't move. the overwhelming sadness, the heaviness, it doesn't make any sense when it happens. how can i just wake up so sad? sometimes it hits me if the middle of a perfectly normal day. how can i be functioning, having a great day, and then as fast as i blink it all changes and i can't shake it. it affects every aspect of my life. it tells me i'm not good enough, i'm not worth it, i don't deserve anything good, that i'm not beautiful, that i'm not loved or treasured or cared for. it ruins relationships, it hinders growth, it breaks me. it jumps into my heart and mind and turns everything black and cold. and it is as real as the sky is blue. it is thick and fierce and unmanageable. i have to fight it every day. i have learned that it's okay to admit when i'm having an off day. most of the people who have stuck by me are happier to hear that i'm struggling than to have an excuse. they remind me to breathe, that it's going to be okay, that i am loved and valued and worth it. they send me scripture, preach truth to my heart, and help me fight the darkness. and i will be forever grateful for those people who haven't walked away, but instead pulled me in closer. i know it's hard to love someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, so thank you for believing in me and helping me. god is showing me that i am worth it, i am loved and treasured and adored and beautiful and valued. he drops truth bombs on my heart right when i need them. he gives me the courage to get up and keep going, to open my eyes and fight through the darkness, and trust that he is there and he is good. and i couldn't be more thankful for that truth.
if you know someone that struggles with a mental health disorder, love them anyway. love them through it. support them and encourage them. they are worth it.
anxiety is tough. it strikes at any moment. it hits me out of nowhere. it's unexplainable. i have learned how to manage and am getting better at recognizing the symptoms before they hit me full force. but most of the time i can't control it even when i see it coming. i still panic. my heart beats so fast i feel like i can't breathe. i cry so much, or am always on the verge of tears. i close my eyes and try to breathe deep. i pray, ask god to calm my anxious heart. and i breathe deep again, waiting for the storm to pass. if you don't suffer from anxiety or depression or mental health issues, it can seem like people who are suffering are just exaggerating, trying to get attention, overreacting.. but i promise you, we can't help it. if i could take a deep breathe and have it all go away in an instant, it would be a dream. sometimes, most of the time, its not that easy. a lot of times the fear wins and i am stuck in my brain without a way to calm myself. but sometimes, i close my eyes and take a breathe and i can move on. i can't control it. anxiety and depression are true disorders. there are a lot of days when i can't get out of bed. i wake up crying with a heaviness on my chest that is unexplainable, and i can't move. the overwhelming sadness, the heaviness, it doesn't make any sense when it happens. how can i just wake up so sad? sometimes it hits me if the middle of a perfectly normal day. how can i be functioning, having a great day, and then as fast as i blink it all changes and i can't shake it. it affects every aspect of my life. it tells me i'm not good enough, i'm not worth it, i don't deserve anything good, that i'm not beautiful, that i'm not loved or treasured or cared for. it ruins relationships, it hinders growth, it breaks me. it jumps into my heart and mind and turns everything black and cold. and it is as real as the sky is blue. it is thick and fierce and unmanageable. i have to fight it every day. i have learned that it's okay to admit when i'm having an off day. most of the people who have stuck by me are happier to hear that i'm struggling than to have an excuse. they remind me to breathe, that it's going to be okay, that i am loved and valued and worth it. they send me scripture, preach truth to my heart, and help me fight the darkness. and i will be forever grateful for those people who haven't walked away, but instead pulled me in closer. i know it's hard to love someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, so thank you for believing in me and helping me. god is showing me that i am worth it, i am loved and treasured and adored and beautiful and valued. he drops truth bombs on my heart right when i need them. he gives me the courage to get up and keep going, to open my eyes and fight through the darkness, and trust that he is there and he is good. and i couldn't be more thankful for that truth.
if you know someone that struggles with a mental health disorder, love them anyway. love them through it. support them and encourage them. they are worth it.
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