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Monday, March 20, 2017

fearless

2017. a brand new year. another chance to have a fresh start. there's something so satisfying and encouraging about a new year. it brings so many opportunities to try again, to dust off the old habits and give them a new go, or try something that I've never done before. Back in November and December the idea to choose a "word" for the year kept creeping up. I know people who do it every year. I've read blogs from people I don't even know who rave about the dedication it takes to choose a word and stick to it. I work with women who openly discuss their word and how it challenges them throughout the year. Honestly, I've always thought it was kind of a dumb idea. Why would you choose just one word for the whole year? How could you possibly focus on it the entire year? That's a big commitment, and I have never been interested in it. But this year is different. Week after week I couldn't stop thinking about choosing a word it didn't make any sense to me why. Remember, I think it's a stupid idea, so why can I not stop thinking about it? I confided in a friend who chooses a word every year and sticks to it. That dear friend finally challenged me.. she said something along the lines of "if you keep thinking about it, why don't you pray about it? Ask God to show you what word to choose."
So, I did. In a sarcastic, not believing type of way, like how in the world am I going to know what one single word God wants me to focus on, I said "okay god, what should it be?" The first word that came to mind was confidence. I thought on that word for several weeks. What would it look like to focus on confidence for a whole year? What would that do for me personally, spiritually, as a whole being? I couldn't figure out how it would benefit anything, I couldn't seem to commit, it just didn't feel right, so I kept thinking. A few weeks later, it hit me. In the middle of the day, it could have been a flashing light it hit me so clearly, He didn't want me to focus on confidence, he wanted me to focus on being fearless.
FEARLESS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have crippling social anxiety, I avoid situations on a weekly basis because I am so afraid, I don't have hard conversations with the people I love most because I don't want to rock the boat, I don't step out of my comfort zone because it is too hard. HOW IN THE ACUTAL HECKAM I SUPPOSED TO BE FEARLESS FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR? Okay God, good one. What a sense of humor you have. I tried to not commit to that word too. I kept thinking and kept taking Facebook quizzes that were supposed to tell me what to choose.. and over and over, i kept coming back to fearless. fearless encompasses confidence and bravery and trust, it challenges me in a way that makes me uncomfortable and pushes me to the edge of my seat. and i knew in that moment that this is exactly why god wants me to focus on this word, he wants me to have confidence, be brave, get uncomfortable and push myself so i absolutely have to trust in him alone.
So here I go, rolling into 2017 committing to being fearless. committing to trust that the lord is going to stick with me when I want to freak out and will likely fail and say no to things because i'm too afraid. committing to do the hard thing, no matter how hard it is.
it should be a wild year. 

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