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Friday, July 7, 2017

jumping for joy in june

it's hard to think of witty titles for blog posts. i'm just not that creative. but ya know, june made it easy to jump for joy. when i moved back from south carolina in 2012, i had absolutely zero intention of staying in arkansas long term. arkansas is home because my family is here, but arkansas is not home in the sense of community and happiness. it was strange to move "home" to a place that felt nothing like home at all. i asked god week after week why he brought me back here. "lord what are you doing with my life? why would you take me from columbia, from a loving church family, a solid community of friends? why would you take me back to arkansas, a place that did nothing but hurt me, to relationships that burned me and left me broken? why would you do that? what are you doing in the background? please lord help me have peace, help me understand." so celebrating 5 years back in arkansas this month almost took my breath away. it is so hard to believe it has been 5 years. i feel like it was yesterday we were loading the u-haul and trucking back across the country.
i've gotten to see glimpses of why i think he brought me back here, and let me just say that he knows what he is doing. he took me out of contentment and comfort and put me in unknown and scary. because you know what? when i am content and comfortable, i don't need god. so when i got too comfortable, he said "alright time for a change, let's bring you back to me." and back to arkansas i came. 5 years is a long time to be somewhere that you didn't want to be in the first place. i have spent 5 years not really getting plugged in on purpose, because i didn't want to be here. when you build relationships and have community, it is a lot harder to leave. so instead, i just didn't. it's been a lonely 5 years because of it. but at the same time, i wouldn't change it a bit because i have needed god more in these 5 years than ever before. i have learned to listen for him in the daily tasks, to seek him in the hard times, to trust him in the details. i have cried out to him when my heart is breaking, and praised him when his faithfulness is revealed again and again.
he brought me to arkansas to be close to my family. i have been given the gift of being an aunt up close and personal. i have had the opportunity to pour into their lives and watch them grow and help them learn and have had so many adventures my heart could burst. i have chased sunsets, had way too many treats, and have had the best snuggles. he brought me to arkansas to support my parents through lots of changes and hard times. being in arkansas so i can be close to my family is the ultimate gift, and i'm so thankful he knew what he was doing when he brought me here.
he brought me back to arkansas and led me to sunshine school. i had no clue what i was doing when i applied for a job there. it was kind of a last ditch effort because i had such negative interviews with public schools. i spent so many days and nights just crying because i needed a job, but i didn't want to work in public school special education. the interviews i had were all great, i was offered several jobs, and i cried every time i got the phone call because i knew i would be miserable. so i applied for a lead teacher job at sunshine school. and when i showed up, they interviewed me for something completely different because i had a masters degree in special education. i met their qualifications and they took a chance on me. and LORD THANK YOU for that. i have met some of the greatest families through sunshine school. i have helped parents learn how to advocate for their child. i have made friends. i have built relationships. i have made a difference. i have watched kids take their first steps, use their first words, drink from a cup for the first time, make eye contact purposefully, i have celebrated the tiniest milestones because for us they are huge, and i have mourned the challenges and setbacks alongside families. i lost my mentor to a hard fought battle with cancer, and have been left grieving that and all the changes it brought with it. i have learned about gardening, what is a weed and what is a plant, how to cultivate life from a tiny seed, how to use my time gardening to worship and pray and tell beth how much i miss her. god knew exactly what he was doing when he closed the door to public schools and led me to sunshine school. and you know what? 3.5 years ago when i started working there, i had no idea what i was doing. i had almost zero management experience, had never worked with families directly, and had never had a real full time job. but now, today, i wouldn't know what to do without sunshine school. i got a promotion in may, and it was just the boost i needed. its been a tough year, lots of changes, lots of challenges, and i was in the dumps. my leadership team recognized my abilities and asked me to step up and take on more. and i needed it. i panicked at first, because "what if i mess it all up, what if i can't do it, what am i getting myself into, this is too much, theres no way i can manage all of this"... but then god told me flat out that i would accept the promotion and i'd be okay.
so here we are now, being fearless and trusting him again. trusting him in another year in arkansas. trusting him to lead me in this new role. and trusting him to take away my fear and replace it with confidence and courage. i can do this. 

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