august and africa

can i take back the "fearless in 2017" challenge yet? because each month gets crazier and crazier. i first heard about ekisa almost 6 years ago. i applied to go for the first time 5 years ago this month (weird detail, thanks time hop). i applied 4 times over the last 5 years and every time it was so very clear that the door was not open and i wouldn't be going. so imagine my surprise this year when i apply again on a whim when i see 99 balloons is going in january, because you guys january is like the best time for me to be out of work, it's after the holidays, it's not vacation time for me, so many selfish reasons i applied, and wouldn't you know that god seems to be opening the door. so i applied back in july to go to africa in january with 99 balloons (a local nonprofit). i thought i would find out if i was going by the end of july, but july came and went and there was no news. so i convinced myself it wasn't my time to go because that is easier than keeping my hopes up and being let down again. but then august came, and day after day i waited and watched my email. i made myself sick waiting. i talked myself into going, and talked myself out of going. i came up with 100 reasons why i shouldn't go, and then 101 why i should. i checked my email like i was an addict. i waited for the phone to ring with an unknown number. i didn't sleep well. i worried. i prayed. i reached out to friends to pray. i worried some more. and at the end of august, the 29th to be exact, i finally heard. they want me to be a part of the team (if they go- they don't have enough people to commit as of yet). so if they go, they want me to be their SpEd person. they want me to go to africa. and now i know, and i just want to throw up. fear creeps in every time i take a breath. there are now a thousand reasons why i shouldn't go and only ten that i should. what am i doing, lord? why do you want me to go to africa now? why in the freaking heck are you opening this door now? but even though I'm terrified, i'm pretty confident i'm going. like if i were a betting woman i would bet money that i'll be going to africa in january. god is going to get more people to commit, he is going to help me raise the funds, he is going to open the door. a 6 year dream in the making and i can feel it coming true.
but you know what else? i'm still terrified. i don't want to go. i have so much frickin fear. about everything. every detail. and i don't even know the details. right now god is opening the door and telling me to trust him and be fearless and make the deposit with money i don't even have in my account and say yes to going to africa. he's telling me to say yes when i don't know any details or really even know what i'll be doing there or what my role will look like and he's telling me to say yes even though I'm so scared of flying (not actually being in the air, all the things that lead up to it, like getting to the right terminal and fighting to find a spot for my carry on and losing luggage and missing flights and having anxiety poops on the plane and basically everything except for the actual being in the air flying part) and he's opening the door and pushing me through it and I'm fighting every step of the way and have made myself literally throwing up sick because I'm so anxious about all the details i don't even know and my brain just feels so scrambled. but he's telling me to say yes and he's opening the door and showing me so clearly again and again and again that it's time to trust him and i'm so (insert any emotion here) that i can't move forward at all, its like i'm stuck, just stuck and can't put one foot in front of the other.
but you guys. i think i'm going to africa. help me. pray for me. support me. send anxiety meds. (only kind of kidding on the last one...)